Monday Madness 008: 2 months

 2 months. Two months. II months. Two fucking months! We didn't need a vaccine. We needed 2 months. 2 months of EVERYONE staying in, wearing masks, washing hands, doing what the science says. 2 months of not providing the virus with a means of transmission and it would have died out. It was that simple. That short an amount of time. That many lives saved. Be good, be compassionate, do the right thing for only 8 weeks. 60 days. 1,440 hours. 86,400 minutes. 5,184,000 seconds. America couldn't do that. 

We are at almost the 1 year mark for this pandemic. The deaths have become like reporting the temperature. What's yesterday's number? How many more infected? A numbness sets in because really, how many days in a row can your soul handle the reality of those totals? Your mind steps in to try and preserve you. Adapts to the situation on a survival level. But periodically things come up, reminding you, snapping you out of the monotony and repetition your brain has created to buffer you from it. A funeral you are all unable to attend when a family needs your support. Remotely trying to connect, but unable to be there in person as a friend is in need. Dropping a loved one at the ER and not being able to join them, help them, comfort them in the hospital. 

Asking people to not destroy our own (and only) environment was too overwhelming a task for them, but it would have prevented this pandemic. Focusing on smaller, seemingly more attainable goals resulted in asking simply to stop murdering animals as a food source still remained too large a sacrifice, but it would have prevented this pandemic (end every other pandemic - past and future). Breaking it down to an easier, bite size ask of staying home, wearing a mask, and washing your hands for 2 months was more than the selfish nature of humans could abide. At every turn, the very core of homo sapiens has defied its own best interest. 

So a tiny, miniscule group of people are tasked with using all their combined intelligence against overwhelming odds to develop a means of protecting the rest of the population from itself. AND THEY DID IT! They created successful vaccines to combat this pandemic. But even now, they are forced to rely on others to get it distributed. Others to administer it. And ultimately they need to rely on EVERYONE to do the absolute simplest thing you can be expected to do and just show up when it's your turn to get poked. Already there are indications that even that is too much to ask of some. 

i was angry when i started this, then i became so... so... so deeply saddened, but i end feeling the anger which began this writing. All the death, all the suffering, all the struggle - all because at every opportunity the selfishness of the human race outnumbered both kindness and logic. If we cannot get 2 good months out of our civilization, what can we really expect from it at all?

Monday Madness 007: some of those that work forces

 2021 days without incident: 0. One night walking out of a bar with 2 friends back in my college days a guy aggressively came up to us asking for money. "Sorry, we have none" we replied in our extremely chemically altered state. We were all poor college students and spent whatever loose change we had scrounged up in said bar. Then in slow motion we all leaned in to watch him reach down to his ankle for a weapon. As he pulled out his knife nothing really changed. We didn't suddenly have money in our pockets. We weren't suddenly sober enough to either jump him or run away. Between the 4 of us in this situation, that knife was likely the object with the most monetary value of all the possessions between us and yet it had zero value in getting any of us what we needed at that moment. 2 of the knife dude's buddies came sprinting by and yelled "come on, we got to get out of here!"

i have had so many different thoughts in the days since Comrade Pussy Grabber's Fascist Army of the Idiotic stormed America's Capital. Today, my thoughts keep circling back to that surreal incident in college. America knew this was going to happen. The move was telegraphed. But like my inebriated friends and i, all anyone did was lean in to watch. 45 and his cohort have been calling on their easily mislead cult of caucasians to storm Washington for years now (stand back and stand by), building up the rhetoric to new heights since his political loss. How many conversations have each of us had prophesizing how the Orange Chode was most definitely going to try and hold on to office even if he lost the election and how he would call on his racist army of followers to violently converge on DC? The very people planning those actions where having the conversations out in the open of social media. This was not a spark that suddenly burst into flame catching us off guard, this was a slow motion glacier floating towards our ship over a 4 year period. 

More so, how can you be surprised when the fucking shit was scheduled and the paperwork was all turned in!!! When i participated in the March For Science down in that exact same area, early in this anti-thought administration's term, there were police and military EVERYWHERE! They were taking away all sticks, post, and anything we were using to hold up signs claiming these objects could be used as weapons. People who rode their bikes down had their helmets confiscated for safety concerns. Security forces were ever-present, aggressive, and going through every single one of our bags before we could even enter the area. We were scientists! Billy Nye was our big speaker and music performances were jazz by Jon Batiste and ?uestlove. AND WE WERE CONFRONTED AND CONTAINED BY A MILITERIZZED FORCE. 

Meanwhile, this week a group meets with overtly violent rhetoric, has the current president speak lies to the multitude and calls them to action. Within the crowd many walk unencumbered as they wave flags affixed to large poles, clubs, and bats. All carrying backpacks. Many wearing helmets. Where was the militarized security forces us scientists experienced? Let's rewind, not as far back as the March for Science, but only to this summer's events. Black Lives Matter protests in that same area had even more of a militarized presence than the scientists did. Riot shields, batons, tear gas, bean bags and rubber bullets all were used freely and aggressively on peaceful protesters. America's forces didn't lose the keys to their weapon closets. They didn't forget how to deal with crowds. This is how they were formed to function. 

Minority officers on hand have come forward to inform how members of the fascist capital attackers were flashing their badges and military ID's unabashedly to try and gain favor in going wherever they wanted to do whatever they wanted. Video after video shows the terrorists taking selfies with white police officers. Videos show white officers moving the barricades out of the way to help the terrorists gain better access. Officers were giving terrorists directions to key Democrat Congressional Offices. The institutional racism deeply imbedded within our police forces and within our military are not hidden in any way. They are instead paraded around and flaunted. The terrorists that stormed the capital where gently guided out, helped down the stairs, and led away. Juxtapose that to peaceful BLM protesters sitting in the street being beaten and thrown into the back of police vehicles. The millennials of our country are not the entitled ones, it is the white racists who have been the institutionally entitled class since the very birth of America. 

My biggest fear is not that they will try something like this again, because they most certainly will - white supremists are the most significant and active terrorist threat in America. My fear is that an intellectually inebriated America will ultimately continue to do nothings, like a couple of beyond drunk college kids getting mugged. i already see it in statements by politicians, by members of the press, and by friends saying things like "this is not what America is". This is EXACTLY what America is. A failure of acknowledging what actually goes on in this country has resulted in a delusion that allows this behavior to continue largely unchallenged. "We must all come together as one" is another bullshit talking point for those with privilege. Uniting with evil doesn't make it go away, it empowers it in knowing that its actions will go ultimately unpunished. There is no common ground with racism. There is no common ground with fascism. These are not opinions worthy of your respect, these are ideals that are to be forcefully opposed in every setting and in every incarnation.  

The worst thing we can do is NOTHING. These shitgibbons videoed everything: track them down, identify them, hold them accountable. 45 NEEDS to be impeached for his actions instigating these events. Take away his lifetime of Secret Service protection, take away his lifetime paycheck and travel expense budget. It doesn't matter how many days he has left in office, he has a lifetime of benefits that America should not be supplying for him. Defund the police and shift funding to the actual social services needed for most of the calls that go into 911. Defund the military, a fraction of the overinflated budget could be used to change how America operates. Single digit percentages of the military budget diverted could provide college for all. Similar amounts could provide healthcare for all. $800 billion dollars for national security didn't stop the Chode Commandos from taking over the capital. Time to start putting some of that money to use building a better world for everyone.

Life is not a spectator's event. Get in it. You never know what's tucked in that dude's sock. 

Monday Madness 006: Competitive Stupidity

 It would appear that Great Britain and the United States of America are having a competition for the World Championship of Stupidity. This is off-brand for "World Championships" as they usually only involve Americans challenging other Americans (and occasionally a few Canadians) for the "World" but not really world championship. But this time, the competition is indeed global. Although all nations are eligible, America and Britain have really run away with it and there really are no other true contenders. 

We are in the midst of a pandemic, in case you were lucky enough to forget for a moment. Citizens of both the USA and the UK are struggling with balancing their toxic nationalism and their personal greed. It has left me stuck humming that shitty Meatloaf song: I would do anything for love... but I won't do that. Yes, two nations believing themselves exceptional, regularly chanting about the incredible sacrifices made for their historical "greatness" and a willingness to do ANYTHING to maintain that status... unless it involves wearing a mask and staying home. That is an ask too far. 

Both nations are indeed exceptional - no other nations have done more over their existence to destabilize and damage the rest of the world. Like 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon, within about 2 degrees you can tie most any world issue back to one of these two geographies of greed. 2020, however, has shown us that America and Britain are also highly skilled at self destruction. Both nations have handled this pandemic extremely poorly, in no small part thanks to the inept leadership each had selected. These national governments are so epically botching addressing Covid-19 that BOTH the president and the prime minister CAUGHT THE DISEASE! Yes, neither nation could successfully prevent the leader of their country from exposure. That's like scoring a zero because you even forgot to write your fucking name on the test. 

Almost a year of "open for business", mass gatherings, the politicizing of masks and anything else even remotely science based, it is a surprise to no one with more than 2 braincells in their skull that cases and death totals are out of control at an unparalleled level. People who still have "never forget 9/11" stickers on their truck have already forgotten that more people died in a single record day of Covid and headed out to their Christmas gatherings... maybe to ensure that we reach new levels of spreading over the next few weeks?

Just like in high school (because things never really change, you only get older) the geeks had to do all the work for the project. Somehow, doing what normally takes ten or more years, science nerds came up with a vaccine in less than a year!!! So far at least 2 separate groups of lab junkies have come up with approved options! INCREDIBLE! But wait... the power of stupid is strong.

At just around a month into the vaccination process the US and the UK are upping their game to do everything they can to fuck it all up. Continued social gatherings and selfish actions are leading to the mutation of the virus. The race is on to get enough people vaccinated before a strain develops that the vaccine will not protect from. Now that should seem easy, simply do what we all know we are supposed to do, what most every other country is doing. Yet Americans and Britons are hell bent on proving their World Champion level of self-centered, my-mother-drank-until-the-day-I-was-born ignorance! The gatherings only get bigger. The economy keep getting more "open". It doesn't matter if every other country in the world does what they need to and gets everyone vaccinated, if strains develop that are too variant for the vaccine it will eventually spread just as the current virus has across the world. 

AND NOW: only days into the new year the muthafuckin UK is talking about prioritizing everyone getting the first dose of the vaccine rather than getting people the second dose at the recommended time interval! WHAT THE MUTHA FUCK?!?! That's not how it fucking works!!! Great... so i guess they've really planned out how to make sure the pandemic never ends. i guess America: you're up. What can you do to top that shit?

Listen to the fucking science. Stop fucking socially gathering. Wear a fucking mask. Wash your fucking hands. 

Monday Madness 006: No Signs of Intelligence

 This rant has been brought to you by mothers: keeping therapists in business since the beginning of human history.

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Driving around and continuing to see large yard billboards emblazoned with the name "Trump", often surrounded by numerous regular size plastic political printings wrapped around flimsy metal framing with built in stakes; i cannot help but think about Africa or South America. No, it's not because Comrade Pussy Grabber's supporters, who have more signs than brain cells, tend to dislike anyone who's skin is darker than the mayonnaise they mix with pasta and call a "salad". My thoughts flow to those continents for yet another reason. 

For far too many of President Orange Chode's supporters politics are viewed with the same mentality as sports and elections are followed like Super Bowl Games. Somewhere along the way they picked a team. Maybe because of where they live. Maybe because it's the team passed down to them by their family. Maybe they just like the mascot better or because of friends peer pressure. However they got there, they now pledge allegiance to that team and root for them to win NO MATTER WHAT! 

Who gives a shit how they play or what they stand for. Your team must win. Republicans now act like sports fans from Boston - where sports talk radio has evolved sentience and rules over an army of guys named Sully. Who cares about air pressure regulations, spying, and cheating - WE WON (and Brady can do NO WRONG, even in trading teams). Who cares about the deep seated, institutional racism (your pick, Celtics or Red Sox) - WE WIN. Who cares about the leader getting caught with prostitutes... hold on... i've gotten lost in the comparison here... am i talking about politicians or the Patriots? Your choice i guess, both apply. But he won so all was forgiven. 

Like Bean Town's sports fans, President Tubby Golfer loyalists believe if you support ANY other team you are the enemy. Not the competition, not an adversary, THE ENEMY. Seeing someone in a NY or LA hat can't be allowed to go unchallenged. Verbal torment on the streets, subways, and sporting complexes are a given commonplace, and physical altercations are unsurprising. All over a choice of teams. This toxic attempt at bullshit masculine posturing (even among the women) is the norm within the Post-Regan, believe in nothing but winning Republican. 

So now, after a record turnout of voters and numerous recounts affirming a decisive win with the most votes in history - THEIR TEAM LOST! And they can't fucking handle it. So they buy more team paraphernalia, make even bigger signs showing their mindless, blind loyalty, and bolt more flags to their pick-up trucks. Any time i actually get to venture out of my home during this pandemic i cannot make it far before encountering some example of this arrested development. And every time, my thoughts drifts to "The Folklore of the Losing Team's Super Bowl T-shirts". 

Screen-printing t-shirts is time consuming and the celebratory bliss of World Series level wins only lasts for so long - anywhere from 48 hours to however long it takes the city to plan a parade. Fans NEED their triumphant cotton tops INSTANTLY, so shirts are produced for either outcome before the games have even begun. Urban legend (and several internet sources) tell of those "losing" shirts being given to charities who dispense the shirts to poor communities on the continents of South America and Africa - often alongside heavy marketing for the 'givers' god of choice. 

Seeing all those 'losing' signs makes me feel like i'm in a 3rd world country. Maybe that's not all that far from the truth. People questioning the legitimacy of out last 2 elections. A failed healthcare system who's weaknesses are being highlighted by the current pandemic and both developed and developing countries around the world are trying to provide aid for our country. A fascist regime trying to hold onto it's power. Fanatical zealots attempting to subvert people's voices. But all these problems, just like those 'loser' signs didn't come from somewhere far away - they were all made right here. 

No amount of wishing is going to make the 'Champions' statements sprawled across the chest of those donated t-shirts true, and no amount of revisionist thinking is going to make those yards signs any less a symbol of ignorance and greed. 

Monday Madness 005: Fuck Caring

 This rant brought to you by the plow driver - ever waiting just out of sight for you to get nice and cozy back inside your warm home after you finish clearing your driveway before they take one final pass down the street to completely wall in the end of your driveway with road-grime infused snow. 

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This week's rant is a day late because i wasn't going to do one. i didn't want to embrace the anger, even in a fun and sarcastic way this week. Tired of fighting through this bizarre year i really just wanted to have a cry. i tried. The cry didn't happen, no matter what songs i listened to or movie i watched. i guess my eyes are too constipated from the shit they keep seeing to allow some salt water to flow. So on to plan b, not the pill - a rant.

FUCK CARING! Really, fuck caring... it fucking sucks. Caring needs to be taken out behind the barn and shot. Except i don't have a barn because i care so much i choose to be vegan. And i don't own a gun because i care so much about the excessive amount of harm guns cause in this country that fetishizes firearms. So i guess my history of caring is now preventing me from ending my relationship with caring. 

i see the selfish muthafuckers who do not care in any way for anyone. Their hearts aren't torn apart on a daily basis during this pandemic while watching everyone around us suffer. Watching kids thrown into hybrid school situations where they kind of get to socialize but mostly don't, then get thrown into quarantine when the inevitable person who doesn't care exposes the bubble. Watching teachers beside themselves, expected to actually educate as normal when nothing is normal, neither them nor their students are feeling normal, all doing the best they can until they are told they have been exposed and need to quarantine. Watching our friends and our family on COMPUTER SCREENS, because that's the best we can do when we long to be with them after most of a year spent trying to protect them and keep them safe by doing what the science tells us. Watching ANYONE at ANY LEVEL of healthcare as they are stretched thin of both resources and energy, hospitals filling up, people dying (and not being able to be surrounded by family and friends in those last moments), trying to keep themselves well (mentally and physically) for themselves and their families, DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN just to watch politicians and administrators get vaccines before them! Vaccines that were created by fellow members of their profession family. 

That's what caring gets you. The pain and sacrifice of all that. While the politicians who decidedly DON'T CARE are throwing super spreader events and are still the 1st in line for vaccines. UNCARING politicians are now patting themselves on the back as they go (vaccinated) into the holiday season proud to give us $600 after 10 months of pandemic destruction. That's not covering anyone i know's mortgage this month. How far's that getting any of us with our bills - just for this month, with no help at all for the last 9 months. They don't care about any of us, not even enough to thinly feign they care. 

Right now, during this pandemic, i would prioritize our health care workers get everything they need to do everything they can - especially including getting the vaccine first! The work our healthcare system MUST do right now is more important than any collapse in function of our government resulting in politicians catching Covid-19 might cause. Our federal government has been decidedly hands off so far in helping us, so we wouldn't even notice the difference if they fell ill. But we sure as hell feel the difference every time a healthcare provider falls ill! 

Fuck caring! While trying to keep those i care about alive so they'll be around for next Christmas, i see countless selfish cunts eating out at restaurants and frequenting bars, holding hockey games and swim meets, having everyone over for Thanksgiving, getting on planes, piling into cars to cross state borders, all not giving a shit about anyone else. Caring has my guts in knots while their guts are swilling down alcohol at the local cleverly named douchey craft brewery. Wow, i wonder what could possibly be causing the infection rates and death rates to be going sky high right now as we enter the winter of the pandemic? Not you shit-gibbons thinking a completely tented in space is "outdoor dinning" or that airports aren't the most disgusting petri dishes in existence even BEFORE the pandemic. 

So fuck caring! Fuck me for caring! Fuck the pain that caring brings! And fuck those fucking Care Bears!

For fuck's sake... i fucking care about all of you. i can't stop. Please be careful, listen to the science, and stay healthy this holiday - so that we can get together for future holidays!

Monday Madness 004: Batteries Not Included

 This week's rant brought to you by White-Out: putting white paint into tiny containers and pretending it's magic since the days of typewriters. 

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Like oh so many people during this pandemic, i am playing video games a lot more than i usually do. Like, a lot more. No concerts to go to. No movies theater screenings. No anything, really, that we'd usually do with friends during our free or social time. Free time amounts have gone up, social time is non-existent. There are only so many movies and tv shows you can watch and only so many books you can read before you crave something more interactive to do while still "chilling" inside. There are only so many hours that my cardio or my neighbors can withstand noise making in my drum room. So the fun of videogames comes calling to help out and embrace us in these solitary times. 

Even high level introverts like myself need social interaction and while we've been watching extrovert friends completely lose their shit over the last several months, all humans needs some level of interaction with new people. Online gaming allows for such interactions and allows for a low entry point into the social world for bite-sized serving lasting typically only one game. Russian roulette style interactions where you spin the cylinder and await what kind of teammates you will end up with for this round.

For all the good, the bad, and the utterly disturbing you come across while playing with randoms from a game's lobby, i have become almost inconsolably overwhelmed by a nearly constant occurrence: the astronomical number of people who have a "chirping" smoke detector going off in the background!

If i'm playing a game with teams of 4, at least every 3rd game there is someone in the random crew who has a detector clearly in need of a replacement battery. That is a lot of fucking people who's first line of safety against dying in a fire is not functioning at full capacity! i am sincerely concerned for a large number of people out there. Some of the people i get paired with are from other countries but a majority are playing here in the US. I imagine some of those chirps are coming from homes while others are coming from apartments. 

i learned about the "chirp" in my 20's. It is the noise your smoke alarm makes when the backup 9 volt battery needs to me changed because it no longer has enough charge left. Growing up, my family replaced all the home's smoke detector batteries when we changed the clocks forward or backward for daylight saving - so twice a year, as recommended by fire departments everywhere. Because of this our alarms never got to the depleted battery point where they had to start making the warning "chirp". 

A dangerous amount of videogamers out there either live in homes where they are not replacing these necessary batteries or reside in apartment buildings where the landlords don't care enough to have their maintenance staff replacing the batteries in these legally required devices every 6 month or so. In addition, that "chirp" is annoying as fuck. It's meant to be, so that you take action when you hear it. As annoying and distracting as it is to hear that sporadic electronic sound throughout the duration of a game, how do these people live with that constantly going off in the background? i'm not sure which bothers me more while playing, the piecing tone or my concern for those who's mics it is passing through?

For fuck's sake people: change that 9 volt battery! How are we going to survive a pandemic or worse - the climate crisis - if as a society we can't even keep our smoke detectors in basic operating condition. Honestly, it is a staggering amount... whatever frequency of occurrence you are envisioning right now based on my description... double it! i think it's beginning to effect my sleep. 

Monday Madness 003: Not A F#cking Xmas Song!

 This week's rant brought to you by the Porsche Taycan Turbo, because even though there's no combustion engine in it (hence no turbocharger installed) this heritage car company still insists on badging their electric car a Turbo. 

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Hallelujah is not a fucking Christmas song!!! Based on right wing politicians claiming to like Rage Against The Machine, i realize that a lot of people don't listen to a song's actual lyrics. Countless brides requesting the stalker theme song "Every Breath You Take" be played at their weddings only cements this unfortunate human flaw. i'll save "Baby It's Cold Outside" for an entire holiday rant of its own... those are some of the most fucked up lyrics i've ever heard, and that's saying a lot because i love the song "Bullet" by the Misfits (the phrase "masturbate me" does get uttered in this song about presidential assassination). 

Leonard Cohen's beautiful classic "Hallelujah" was not written in praise of any god, nor was it his attempt to cash in on the capitalist circle jerk known as Christmas. So how has a song, so overtly sexual, written in 12/8 time, and released back in 1984 to ZERO fanfare become a holiday single for the new millennium? i'm going to mostly blame the shitty children's movie Shrek. The bizarrely out of place use of the song in the blockbuster movie about Austin Powers as a green monster seems to be the source of many people's first exposure to the tune. 

Leonard Cohen is a Canadian treasure. More people should be celebrating his incredible musical career. The only thing darker than his booming deep voice are his lyrics and song themes. Hearing Christmas Mass Choirs sing (off tune) these moving lyrics celebrating the throws of orgasm almost makes me embrace the irony of the situation, but Christianity has exerted so much power attempting to destroy any concept of healthy sex in our society that i cannot stand idly by as they (even humorously) take any part of this incredible song. One of the most sexually repressive and abusive institution on the planet should not be gospelizing with one of the most colorful tales of 'the little death' ever sung. 

i am going to conclude with an equally important issue surrounding "Hallelujah": there are only 2 acceptable versions of the the song. The version by the writer himself - Leonard Cohen, and the transcending version by Jeff Buckley - which is one of the most perfect recordings of music ever captured. All other versions should be destroyed, and since both Cohen and Buckley are deceased, there should be no live performances of the song by anyone EVER. 

You can disagree with me on this but know that you are wrong and i WILL definitely fight you over this opinion. This most definitely is a hill i will die on. Say what you want now, but go listen to Jeff Buckley's version while laying in a dark room, with candles lit, played on vinyl through a decent sound system - and you will join me on that hill fighting until your last breath... after you have dried your tears. 

As a BONUS this week i'm giving you possibly the best Christmas Cover Song EVER, click the link below and enjoy!

Tim Timebomb - You're A Mean One Mr Grinch

Monday Madness 002: Not Before, Not Now

 Today's rant brought to you by Tofurky, creators of a Thanksgiving food-thing that makes neither vegans nor carnivores happy. It's Thanksgiving, everyone should be miserable and we can help with that. 

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Election 2020 was destined to be just as much of a historic event as everything else this year. Whether you choose to accept reality or are a supporter of fascist regimes, everyone seems to have an opinion on what 'Merica needs to move forward from all of this. The thing about opinions is, they are like assholes: most of them STINK and i don't want to hear anything from yours. 

Long before red MAGA hats where a thing, i had problems with racists, i had problems with sexists, and i had problems with bullies. i cannot remember a time when i have NOT been willing to get confrontational with these faulty and morally reprehensible ways of thinking and behaving. Now that this election is over, there is no way in hell i am suddenly going to start cutting these shit gibbons some slack. They will get no sympathy for me because their boy lost. The beliefs they subscribe to should have gone extinct long ago and i will continue to be more than happy to inform them of exactly that!

If you voted for Comrade Pussy Grabber, YOU are the problem. You cannot support a racist, support a sexist, and support a bully while claiming to be none of these things. You are what you do, not what you say. By taking actions to support these ideals, you are a part of their propagation and directly responsible for their existence in our current society. There were Germans who claim they supported Hitler's economic ideals, but not his genocide - you know what we call those people? Nazis. There were Germans who supported Hitler's nationalism but claim not to support the murdering of 'undesirables' - you know what we call them? Nazis. No room for philosophical acrobatics here to make you feel better when falling asleep at night. 

If you are racist, sexist, fascist, a bootlicker, or a bully you deserve no consolation prize, no pardons, no 'safe space' to have your opinion. You will get no respect from me and i will not let up my pressure on you. Not before an election and sure as fuck not after. 

Monday Madness 001: Frog Lady's Eggs

 This week's rant brought to you by the Dodge Hemi - when you feel the need to celebrate cutting edge 1903 piston technology in 2020.

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Starting a new chapter in the 1 Punk Monk blog, to better serve your quarantine needs i will be providing you with a weekly rant. Every Monday you can check in on the shittiest day of the week during the shittiest year (2020) to be entertained and aim that frustration towards something that truly deserves it. Oh sweet cathartic release. It only seems right that the first instalment be in defense of our own personal savior this horrific year: Baby Yoda! 

A small but disproportionately vocal group (pretty on brand for America 2020) has been losing their shit over Baby Yoda (The Child) eating the eggs of Frog Lady (S2, E2 of The Mandalorian). Hardly an internet story regarding the episode is safe from either the mention of, or filled comment thread regarding, B.Y.'s choice of dining. The incremental infiltration of Karens (and Kevins) into the Star Wars fan base since Disney's buyout has been a painful rise of the Empire and is in need of our Rebel Scum's retaliation.  

To those complaining about Baby Yoda swallowing slimy future frog-people whole, i lead with the question: what the fuck did you eat for breakfast? What food do you celebrate Birthdays with? As the holidays approach, which type of nog will you be drinking on Life Day? i'm betting there's a lot of "EGG" in your ingredient listings cake-boy! In trying to understand the width of the thought divergence you maintain, my follow up question is: if instead of chickens being kept far from your site as their beaks are burnt off, the male chicks are ground up alive (deemed useless), they are overcrowded in "factory" conditions and the whole process ending with their murder before they've left chicken "childhood" - if instead the chickens carried their eggs around in backpacks out in public, THEN would you stop eating eggs? i envision many of these folks being the same people who call for the ending of the practice of dogs as a food source in parts of Asia, all because the deluded individual has bonded with the thoroughly inbred, developmentally stunted relative of wolves whom they've enslaved in their home to have as an unconditional friend (which is actually the Stockholm Syndrome all pets experience).

Flying faster than the Millennium Falcon during the Kessle Run passed the acknowledgement that THIS IS ALL MADE UP ANYWAY -that little fucker Baby Yoda has been eating frogs alive, bone soup, and who knows what the hell else. None of that has bothered you, but NOW, when he's teased with that glowing jar, left sitting like a tiny drunk at the bar just before last call eying those pickled eggs (why the fuck do so many bars have pickled eggs... maybe a topic for another rant), suddenly you are outraged by his flavor pallet? Maybe frog people eat Baby Yoda eggs too and this is just the circle of life. Maybe Baby Yoda is training for a big fight against the outer rim's version of Apollo Creed and needs the extra raw eggs in his workout, otherwise Mickey will start yelling at him (either the mouse or the trainer version of Mickey works here... lady's choice). Or maybe, some animals just eat fucked up stuff. When was the last time you stopped your cat from eating a frog? Those little fur balls are responsible for neighborhood level bird genocide. 

If i haven't lost you already, here's where it happens because now is where i get political... it's 2020 and how can i not. For the last 4 years democrats have been quick to point out how ignorant and heartless the members of the Cult of Comrade Pussy Grabber are (which they are) but i can render nearly any one of them into a nearly equal state of consciousness with the uttering of 3 simple words: I AM VEGAN. The stupid shit that ejaculates from their food holes will be as intellectually challenged as anything you've heard during the Daily Show's covering of Trump rallies (but bacon tastes good). 

So this vegan laughed their ass off every time that puppet ate a CGI egg in absolute defiance of Papa Mando! Maybe if more of those who have been commenting in S2 E2 threads had been eaten by future Jedis while still in fetal form the internet, our country, and the species would be operating at a higher level. 

In Circles

Life's short and who's got time to waste hanging out with dickheads? The people i choose to spend my free time with are all pretty great and kind people. So how the hell do they all have such varying views about how much responsibility we have to take care of our fellow human beings? Really!?! It's utterly baffling.

The more i examined the sometimes heated back and forth between these groups of friends that i have counted on in difficult times, something began to surface that has helped me understand how we all can be compassionate in one situation and then painfully harsh in the next.  The answer, it seems, lies in circles.

As human beings we draw circles around what we view as "our world". For varying reasons the diameter of the circles can be vastly different and can even change for each individual over time. How we care for and view those inside versus those outside of our circles determines how we make decisions and even judge situations.

For some, the circle is drawn around their family. This is how people we know can make great sacrifices for their family and would do anything for them, yet might curse a perceived "moocher class" who are relying on food stamps to feed their families. This is how caring parents can spew hateful comments about refugees trying to save their own families from war. Inside versus out.

Regularly seen is the individual whose circle moves a bit broader to include friends. You may see a guy quick to get into a fight to defend his friend's honor at the bar but who will then enjoy watching a comedian who uses racial stereotypes to get a laugh. Or the girl who will jump up in someone's face because they called her friend fat yet will body shame women walking down the red carpet on TV. In its most extreme cases this particular circle is what can allow soldiers who in normal civilian life are incapable of putting out mouse traps to kill pests, to actively shoot and kill on the battlefields to help defend and preserve the life of themselves and their brothers in arms.

These circles can engulf your town - giving to school fundraisers while voting down state's education budgets; your state - celebrating government funding for your local shipyard while calling another state's bridge project a waste of taxpayer money; and even your country - calling for safe working conditions and fair wages while buying goods made overseas in horrible conditions. Secondary circles can even frequently (and unfortunately) be drawn around political parties, race, and sex.

Some draw that circle around our planet, championing the good of Earth while saying "fuck you" to those ass-hat lifeforms that may or may not inhabit Mars.  Ok... nobody really does that, but if we do encounter life out in the universe besides us i may need to re-edit this line of thought.

Of course, i had to try and determine where my circle lies. Where did i draw my circle that allows me to call humanity a scourge on this planet and yet genuinely want everyone to be all right? i appear to have drawn my own circle somewhere around my brain.  My whole body doesn't even make it into my circle. Being an intense introvert i regularly find myself battling the proverbial (if not intellectually boring) fight of mind versus body. Can't live with it, but can't live without it (yet).

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K

Because of this i often feel alien and as though i am observing the rest of the world as an outsider. i can even have these feelings with my love and the closest of friends. Although i could go on to use this to explain all kinds of aspects of myself, for simplicity's sake i'll leave it summed up as this - viewing all life (even most of my own body) seemingly on an equal plane can lead me to want what is best for all, while also harboring a cold detachment in some of my decision making. (Allowing me to respect animals to the point of not eating any, yet also causing me to yell at SUV driving mums that "their selfish automobile style means that her grand-kids will be the last to enjoy human civilization")

So, this idea of us all having circles can help explain these inconsistencies and seeming hypocrisies, but how can we shift these circles? Just as there are many different sized circles there are going to be just as many different ways to adjust them. Anecdotally, i find traveling one of the best means of breaking down barriers. Get out of your town, city, state, and preferably country. Being out of your comfort zone and experiencing how other people live is always an incredibly humbling experience.

As bizarre as this may sound coming from an extreme introvert - meet more people. One on one i know that i have an extremely hard time hating anyone. Get out there and get some of the world on you.

i wonder, if i meet enough new and different people will i be able to shrink my circle to nothing more than a singular point. Maybe being able to destroy your circle is the path to oneness with the world. Time to get some more stamps in that passport.

Poverty, Food Stamps, and Cultural Dogma

It's amazing the things that stick with you, forever burnt into your mind's hard drive. They serve as a humble reminder to continue to simply expose yourself to as much as possible. i have all these life changing bits of information that have stuck with me from often the least likely of places. Places like an economics class taken decades ago.

i remember, with incredible clarity, the day my economics teacher stated that the ideal unemployment rate was 4%. i was drawing in my notebook as i took notes and was totally snapped to attention by my idealist-senses (not unlike Spidey-senses but with stories of MLK and Ceasar Chavez instead of a radioactive spider bite). Why not 0%? Why can't everyone have a job? Why not aim for that? Why aim for 4%?

Working multiple jobs while in school, banking 2/3 of my income to pay for college so that i could get away from my parents and the shit town i grew up in, i just couldn't quite place this information. Even with a very patient and intelligent teacher, i still think it took some more life experience to truly get me to the point of comprehending this statistic better. i had to think beyond cultural ideas i was raised with, i had to think beyond my own sense of right and wrong concepts, and i had to think beyond the class that i was born into and living in.

There are a great many reasons for this 4% number.  It includes things like people being in transition, people not having the skills for available jobs, and some people just being unable to work for a multitude of reason from intelligence levels to health reasons (physical and mental) to just some people refusing to work - to touch on a very few reasons (you could take a whole class on all the information and causes behind the 4%).

For political purposes there is a strong motivation to use this as a divisive tactic to keep the voting bases oppositional and distracted from much larger issues. People typically get divided into two cultural segments: the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" and the "care for your brother" camps. In order to get us all looking at the issue more factually and pragmatically i feel the need to dismantle the thinking within both these camps so that you all can just be mad at me instead of each other and finally, maybe, get beyond cultural thought training.

First the "bootstrap" believers.  Hard day's work for a hard day's wage is a concept interwoven into the fabric of culture to keep people doing their jobs and working no matter what. There's a reason almost every religion includes the concept of PRIDE as one of their sins. It's a powerful emotion and can be used to powerful ends. i've worked hard my whole life. i will continue to work hard my whole life. But i hold no delusions about that being something i deserve respect over. This PRIDE of "I provide for my family", "I get the job done", "I get my hands dirty" is just a construct to keep people doing their jobs and doing what they're told. A fool and his pride.  The reality is that we are all born into a class, and all but an incredibly infinitesimal number of people ever move out of that class, up or down. Much like with the lottery, that unrealistic hope keeps everyone playing along.

Next the "caretakers".  It's much easier to work on other people's problems than our own. Taking care of others is a great way to make yourself feel better (and unfortunately sometimes feel like you're better than others). Again, to reference religion (although it is one of the most significant players in cultures around the world) this idea of "doing unto others" and "tending to your brother" is found in most religions. These concepts help people feel better about themselves and helps to take care of social issues, a social 2-for which is why it has become such a successfully adopted part of society across our little rock floating through space. Again a means of keeping everyone doing what is deemed "needs to be done".

But what if you move beyond these cultural teachings, whichever you subscribe to? What if instead of handing Bibles, insults, or the change from your car's cup holder to that person in the road's median holding up a cardboard sign we looked more largely at that 4%? No emotion, no feelings, just numbers and logic. i realize it may seen cold and even seem like i'm asking you to not look at them as people but instead i'm trying to show you that if we play it by the numbers we actually will treat them more like people.

We pay taxes. Go ahead, go off on your rant... i'll just wait right here for you to return when you're done... OK.... done? Welcome back. Yes, we pay taxes. Approximately 4% of what you pay goes to "Food and Nutrition Assistance".  As a bit of a frame of reference around 9% goes to paying interest on our debt and about 24% goes to "National Defense" (which does not include Veteran's Benefits). We pay taxes so that we have money as a country to help stabilize our society. Sure we can argue forever about how much should go to what and who should be paying how much, but for now just appreciate the actual functional purpose of why taxes exist.

Again, continue to maintain your suspension of feelings, emotions, and beliefs and continue on with this thought experiment. If we know that no matter what, we'll have about 4% of the population without work, no matter what we do - what if we just agreed to keep them fed and under shelter? Maybe not their own apartments and stocked kitchens but enough to make sure they had the calories to be healthy and protection from the elements. Without hypothesizing the effect it would have on them or even their personal futures, what effect would that have on our society?

If there was a low level safety net of nutrition, what would that do to our crime rates? Our jails? Our hospitals? What if there is a low level safety net of shelter? Again, how would that impact our health institutions? How would that effect our crime rates? Our jails? Our public spaces? Our overall sense of security?

We know that there is a percentage of people who will not be employed. We know we have taxes to work as funds for stabilizing our society. From a non-judgmental nor moral point of view, doesn't it seem logical to invest in the most basic of resources for these individuals if not for their own benefit for that of our society? As the richest country in the world, for a small investment we could (if even only for selfish reasons) enter into a new level of society free from some of our most limiting factors.

It would be far less risky an investment than many other things our nation has done, and the only down side is maybe you took take of some people for a period of time.

Christian Gun Owners?

There are a great many mysteries of life that i do not understand.  One of the most prominent in my mind lately is the idea of Christians with guns. i sincerely do not understand the reasoning that causes this overlap of two seemingly opposing things. Really.  i truly do not understand.

Anecdotaly, the majority of people in my life who own guns are Christian.  Overwhelmingly. In many cases they are also my most vocally Christian acquaintances. Now yes, i do realize i live in a primarily Christian country and for the sake of logic i also want to acknowledge that this in no way means the inverse is true - that most Christians own guns. Far from it.

My utter confusion stems from my understanding of Christ.  I cannot imagine the Jesus i was raised on in an Irish Catholic family, ever owning a gun. (Yes i know there were no guns back then but you get the point wise-ass) Nor can i fathom Him condoning gun ownership. The guy who turned the other cheek? The guy who preached love thy neighbor? Come to think of it, He also said to give up all possessions, and as far as i can tell a gun is a possession. Or let us go all Old Testament - is not a commandment Moses hiked down the mount with "Tho shalt not kill"?

i know plenty of Christians who use birth control (although this was never mentioned in the Bible, more of a Papal decision) and there are countless religious decrees that most followers do not abide by but i kinda feel like this is a pretty big one.  i mean, it is supposedly carved into stone.

Also, JC wasn't into the whole "self defense" thing. Remember that being crucified thing? Not only did He not fight back, not only did his Father not fight back, but He commanded his disciples and follows not to draw their swords or interfere in any way. As far as pacifists go He even makes Gandhi kind of look like he half-assed it.

Shouldn't the Christian churches of our country be calling out for an end to all the violence in our country and calling for gun control? How can one wear the symbol of the Prince of Peace around their neck and yet posses an instrument who's only purpose is to kill? How can one sing (praying twice after all) "let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me" on Sunday then walk around town all open carry? It may just be the St Francis in me but i'm going to call bullshit on this one.

i acknowledge that religion is not necessarily meant to be taken literally. These are guidelines to living in our crazy world. But when liberties are taken every day from the pulpit about interpretations of what people think Jesus would do, i am pretty sure that the gun issue is truly a black and white assumption here.

Isn't the pursuit of spirituality supposed to raise us all up? Make us better people? Help in the quest for inner peace? Tightening your grip on guns (or the idea of guns) is tightening your grip on history, stubbornly holding onto personal comforts. Embrace the future with a hope of optimism. Welcome a chance at a more peaceful existence. How could any other step seem more Christ-like?

Forks and Why Your Opinion Doesn't Matter

It's easy to say that the internet has opened up a world where everyone feels like their opinion has merit and deserves to be heard, but i'm pretty sure people (especially Americans) have been super fucking opinionated from jump street. Comment sections and FaceBook have just made us more painfully aware of more people's opinions than ever before. Ten years ago i had no idea if that guy i knew back in high school who never went to college or even moved out of our home town had a strong opinion about our country's foreign policy. Now, regrettably i do and i've had to unfriend a lot of folks who, lets face it, weren't really my friends to begin with.

Why write a blog about this?  Two reasons: first, a blog it CLEARLY the best format for complaining about people expressing their opinions online. Imagine some clever one-liner here regarding fighting fire with fire or some other bullshit old line used as a shortcut to thinking.  Second: in a battle of facts vs opinion, facts should always win just as rock always beats scissors, but for some screwed up reason my fellow Americans seem to continually want to yell that scissors wins when they're the ones who throw scissors - as if volume matters.

i'm going to try and break this down for the lowest common denominator since those who understand facts don't really need to learn this lesson.  Imagine you're at some big family dinner.  All the extended fam is there, cousins you've never seen before, and some weird family "friends" that you're not sure which family member they're actually friends with. The whole tables pushed up against tables with a card table thrown in the mix scenario, full to the brim.

You're Aunt, who let's face it probably came over drunk, has been pulling out wine corks all meal and now as dessert rolls out she holds up her dessert fork as asks "how many prongs does this have?"

Everyone at the table pronounces that there are four prongs, except for that weird uncle who used to chew the lead based paint off the windowsills before he was dropped on his head several times by your grandma.  He yells "FIVE!"

In this scenario the bar is pretty low in terms of level of knowledge needed to be a contributing participant.  Pretty much you just need to be able to count. You can do that without even being able to see, you can feel how many there are. Language and culture are not determining factors as even someone who has no idea what you do with a fork can still tell you "four" in their own native tongue.

There are four prongs.  The fact that your uncle with two brain cells that are fighting has a differing opinion is of no consequence. He can't count so he opinion does not matter.  He doesn't deserve equal air time on your local news station, the First Amendment doesn't mean that his opinion deserves to be respected, and he is not allowed to be used as a reputable source indicating that there is a debate to be had.

Things like favorite color, best ice cream flavor, most beautiful hair color are all things that are personal preferences and things that you, by all means, can have an opinion on. Facts are not things that you can have an opinion on. If you think so, you are just wrong - and that is a fact. Freedom means that people can think all kinds of weird shit and believe all kinds of fuck up stuff. That's just some of the messy nature of freedom.  The problem is when you start having people acting on those incorrect premises.

The beauty of science is not only the underlying respect of facts and truths but also the idea that decisions should be made by those most knowledgeable in the given field. Biologists and astrophysicists may be consulted about the probability of life on a given planet but no one cares what a meteorologist thinks in this case. No one is going to ask a geologist for rocket propulsion advise and who cares what an evolutionary biologist has to say during the construction of a supercollider. Those in the best position to make an informed and educated decision are yielded to by other scientists. Scientists also tend to look to other scientists in varying field when seeking answers to desired questions. When i have a DNA question i ask my biologist friends.  Want to know how deep a canyon in from a bridge? Drop a rock with a physicist and they'll be able to tell you by timing the fall and simple calculations in their head.

So why are there far too few a situation in our world in which facts and those in the best position to make informed decisions seems to be the basis of policy and action? When scientists tell you that climate change is happening, it's happening. Almost all decisions in America are made by elected officials with law degrees. Parents are choosing to not have their kids vaccinated because of what some surgically altered centerfold tells them. Girls don't have smaller brains. If someone has a different skin, hair, or eye color than you it's just because of pigments, nothing else is different.

If you cannot support your opinion with actual facts and truths than your opinion is wrong. The only correct thing to do in these cases is to sit back and let the most knowledgeable group of people on the given subject figure shit out. Then, do what they recommend! This would make the world a better place indeed.