Monday Madness 006: No Signs of Intelligence

 This rant has been brought to you by mothers: keeping therapists in business since the beginning of human history.

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Driving around and continuing to see large yard billboards emblazoned with the name "Trump", often surrounded by numerous regular size plastic political printings wrapped around flimsy metal framing with built in stakes; i cannot help but think about Africa or South America. No, it's not because Comrade Pussy Grabber's supporters, who have more signs than brain cells, tend to dislike anyone who's skin is darker than the mayonnaise they mix with pasta and call a "salad". My thoughts flow to those continents for yet another reason. 

For far too many of President Orange Chode's supporters politics are viewed with the same mentality as sports and elections are followed like Super Bowl Games. Somewhere along the way they picked a team. Maybe because of where they live. Maybe because it's the team passed down to them by their family. Maybe they just like the mascot better or because of friends peer pressure. However they got there, they now pledge allegiance to that team and root for them to win NO MATTER WHAT! 

Who gives a shit how they play or what they stand for. Your team must win. Republicans now act like sports fans from Boston - where sports talk radio has evolved sentience and rules over an army of guys named Sully. Who cares about air pressure regulations, spying, and cheating - WE WON (and Brady can do NO WRONG, even in trading teams). Who cares about the deep seated, institutional racism (your pick, Celtics or Red Sox) - WE WIN. Who cares about the leader getting caught with prostitutes... hold on... i've gotten lost in the comparison here... am i talking about politicians or the Patriots? Your choice i guess, both apply. But he won so all was forgiven. 

Like Bean Town's sports fans, President Tubby Golfer loyalists believe if you support ANY other team you are the enemy. Not the competition, not an adversary, THE ENEMY. Seeing someone in a NY or LA hat can't be allowed to go unchallenged. Verbal torment on the streets, subways, and sporting complexes are a given commonplace, and physical altercations are unsurprising. All over a choice of teams. This toxic attempt at bullshit masculine posturing (even among the women) is the norm within the Post-Regan, believe in nothing but winning Republican. 

So now, after a record turnout of voters and numerous recounts affirming a decisive win with the most votes in history - THEIR TEAM LOST! And they can't fucking handle it. So they buy more team paraphernalia, make even bigger signs showing their mindless, blind loyalty, and bolt more flags to their pick-up trucks. Any time i actually get to venture out of my home during this pandemic i cannot make it far before encountering some example of this arrested development. And every time, my thoughts drifts to "The Folklore of the Losing Team's Super Bowl T-shirts". 

Screen-printing t-shirts is time consuming and the celebratory bliss of World Series level wins only lasts for so long - anywhere from 48 hours to however long it takes the city to plan a parade. Fans NEED their triumphant cotton tops INSTANTLY, so shirts are produced for either outcome before the games have even begun. Urban legend (and several internet sources) tell of those "losing" shirts being given to charities who dispense the shirts to poor communities on the continents of South America and Africa - often alongside heavy marketing for the 'givers' god of choice. 

Seeing all those 'losing' signs makes me feel like i'm in a 3rd world country. Maybe that's not all that far from the truth. People questioning the legitimacy of out last 2 elections. A failed healthcare system who's weaknesses are being highlighted by the current pandemic and both developed and developing countries around the world are trying to provide aid for our country. A fascist regime trying to hold onto it's power. Fanatical zealots attempting to subvert people's voices. But all these problems, just like those 'loser' signs didn't come from somewhere far away - they were all made right here. 

No amount of wishing is going to make the 'Champions' statements sprawled across the chest of those donated t-shirts true, and no amount of revisionist thinking is going to make those yards signs any less a symbol of ignorance and greed. 

Monday Madness 005: Fuck Caring

 This rant brought to you by the plow driver - ever waiting just out of sight for you to get nice and cozy back inside your warm home after you finish clearing your driveway before they take one final pass down the street to completely wall in the end of your driveway with road-grime infused snow. 

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This week's rant is a day late because i wasn't going to do one. i didn't want to embrace the anger, even in a fun and sarcastic way this week. Tired of fighting through this bizarre year i really just wanted to have a cry. i tried. The cry didn't happen, no matter what songs i listened to or movie i watched. i guess my eyes are too constipated from the shit they keep seeing to allow some salt water to flow. So on to plan b, not the pill - a rant.

FUCK CARING! Really, fuck caring... it fucking sucks. Caring needs to be taken out behind the barn and shot. Except i don't have a barn because i care so much i choose to be vegan. And i don't own a gun because i care so much about the excessive amount of harm guns cause in this country that fetishizes firearms. So i guess my history of caring is now preventing me from ending my relationship with caring. 

i see the selfish muthafuckers who do not care in any way for anyone. Their hearts aren't torn apart on a daily basis during this pandemic while watching everyone around us suffer. Watching kids thrown into hybrid school situations where they kind of get to socialize but mostly don't, then get thrown into quarantine when the inevitable person who doesn't care exposes the bubble. Watching teachers beside themselves, expected to actually educate as normal when nothing is normal, neither them nor their students are feeling normal, all doing the best they can until they are told they have been exposed and need to quarantine. Watching our friends and our family on COMPUTER SCREENS, because that's the best we can do when we long to be with them after most of a year spent trying to protect them and keep them safe by doing what the science tells us. Watching ANYONE at ANY LEVEL of healthcare as they are stretched thin of both resources and energy, hospitals filling up, people dying (and not being able to be surrounded by family and friends in those last moments), trying to keep themselves well (mentally and physically) for themselves and their families, DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN just to watch politicians and administrators get vaccines before them! Vaccines that were created by fellow members of their profession family. 

That's what caring gets you. The pain and sacrifice of all that. While the politicians who decidedly DON'T CARE are throwing super spreader events and are still the 1st in line for vaccines. UNCARING politicians are now patting themselves on the back as they go (vaccinated) into the holiday season proud to give us $600 after 10 months of pandemic destruction. That's not covering anyone i know's mortgage this month. How far's that getting any of us with our bills - just for this month, with no help at all for the last 9 months. They don't care about any of us, not even enough to thinly feign they care. 

Right now, during this pandemic, i would prioritize our health care workers get everything they need to do everything they can - especially including getting the vaccine first! The work our healthcare system MUST do right now is more important than any collapse in function of our government resulting in politicians catching Covid-19 might cause. Our federal government has been decidedly hands off so far in helping us, so we wouldn't even notice the difference if they fell ill. But we sure as hell feel the difference every time a healthcare provider falls ill! 

Fuck caring! While trying to keep those i care about alive so they'll be around for next Christmas, i see countless selfish cunts eating out at restaurants and frequenting bars, holding hockey games and swim meets, having everyone over for Thanksgiving, getting on planes, piling into cars to cross state borders, all not giving a shit about anyone else. Caring has my guts in knots while their guts are swilling down alcohol at the local cleverly named douchey craft brewery. Wow, i wonder what could possibly be causing the infection rates and death rates to be going sky high right now as we enter the winter of the pandemic? Not you shit-gibbons thinking a completely tented in space is "outdoor dinning" or that airports aren't the most disgusting petri dishes in existence even BEFORE the pandemic. 

So fuck caring! Fuck me for caring! Fuck the pain that caring brings! And fuck those fucking Care Bears!

For fuck's sake... i fucking care about all of you. i can't stop. Please be careful, listen to the science, and stay healthy this holiday - so that we can get together for future holidays!

Monday Madness 004: Batteries Not Included

 This week's rant brought to you by White-Out: putting white paint into tiny containers and pretending it's magic since the days of typewriters. 

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Like oh so many people during this pandemic, i am playing video games a lot more than i usually do. Like, a lot more. No concerts to go to. No movies theater screenings. No anything, really, that we'd usually do with friends during our free or social time. Free time amounts have gone up, social time is non-existent. There are only so many movies and tv shows you can watch and only so many books you can read before you crave something more interactive to do while still "chilling" inside. There are only so many hours that my cardio or my neighbors can withstand noise making in my drum room. So the fun of videogames comes calling to help out and embrace us in these solitary times. 

Even high level introverts like myself need social interaction and while we've been watching extrovert friends completely lose their shit over the last several months, all humans needs some level of interaction with new people. Online gaming allows for such interactions and allows for a low entry point into the social world for bite-sized serving lasting typically only one game. Russian roulette style interactions where you spin the cylinder and await what kind of teammates you will end up with for this round.

For all the good, the bad, and the utterly disturbing you come across while playing with randoms from a game's lobby, i have become almost inconsolably overwhelmed by a nearly constant occurrence: the astronomical number of people who have a "chirping" smoke detector going off in the background!

If i'm playing a game with teams of 4, at least every 3rd game there is someone in the random crew who has a detector clearly in need of a replacement battery. That is a lot of fucking people who's first line of safety against dying in a fire is not functioning at full capacity! i am sincerely concerned for a large number of people out there. Some of the people i get paired with are from other countries but a majority are playing here in the US. I imagine some of those chirps are coming from homes while others are coming from apartments. 

i learned about the "chirp" in my 20's. It is the noise your smoke alarm makes when the backup 9 volt battery needs to me changed because it no longer has enough charge left. Growing up, my family replaced all the home's smoke detector batteries when we changed the clocks forward or backward for daylight saving - so twice a year, as recommended by fire departments everywhere. Because of this our alarms never got to the depleted battery point where they had to start making the warning "chirp". 

A dangerous amount of videogamers out there either live in homes where they are not replacing these necessary batteries or reside in apartment buildings where the landlords don't care enough to have their maintenance staff replacing the batteries in these legally required devices every 6 month or so. In addition, that "chirp" is annoying as fuck. It's meant to be, so that you take action when you hear it. As annoying and distracting as it is to hear that sporadic electronic sound throughout the duration of a game, how do these people live with that constantly going off in the background? i'm not sure which bothers me more while playing, the piecing tone or my concern for those who's mics it is passing through?

For fuck's sake people: change that 9 volt battery! How are we going to survive a pandemic or worse - the climate crisis - if as a society we can't even keep our smoke detectors in basic operating condition. Honestly, it is a staggering amount... whatever frequency of occurrence you are envisioning right now based on my description... double it! i think it's beginning to effect my sleep. 

Monday Madness 003: Not A F#cking Xmas Song!

 This week's rant brought to you by the Porsche Taycan Turbo, because even though there's no combustion engine in it (hence no turbocharger installed) this heritage car company still insists on badging their electric car a Turbo. 

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Hallelujah is not a fucking Christmas song!!! Based on right wing politicians claiming to like Rage Against The Machine, i realize that a lot of people don't listen to a song's actual lyrics. Countless brides requesting the stalker theme song "Every Breath You Take" be played at their weddings only cements this unfortunate human flaw. i'll save "Baby It's Cold Outside" for an entire holiday rant of its own... those are some of the most fucked up lyrics i've ever heard, and that's saying a lot because i love the song "Bullet" by the Misfits (the phrase "masturbate me" does get uttered in this song about presidential assassination). 

Leonard Cohen's beautiful classic "Hallelujah" was not written in praise of any god, nor was it his attempt to cash in on the capitalist circle jerk known as Christmas. So how has a song, so overtly sexual, written in 12/8 time, and released back in 1984 to ZERO fanfare become a holiday single for the new millennium? i'm going to mostly blame the shitty children's movie Shrek. The bizarrely out of place use of the song in the blockbuster movie about Austin Powers as a green monster seems to be the source of many people's first exposure to the tune. 

Leonard Cohen is a Canadian treasure. More people should be celebrating his incredible musical career. The only thing darker than his booming deep voice are his lyrics and song themes. Hearing Christmas Mass Choirs sing (off tune) these moving lyrics celebrating the throws of orgasm almost makes me embrace the irony of the situation, but Christianity has exerted so much power attempting to destroy any concept of healthy sex in our society that i cannot stand idly by as they (even humorously) take any part of this incredible song. One of the most sexually repressive and abusive institution on the planet should not be gospelizing with one of the most colorful tales of 'the little death' ever sung. 

i am going to conclude with an equally important issue surrounding "Hallelujah": there are only 2 acceptable versions of the the song. The version by the writer himself - Leonard Cohen, and the transcending version by Jeff Buckley - which is one of the most perfect recordings of music ever captured. All other versions should be destroyed, and since both Cohen and Buckley are deceased, there should be no live performances of the song by anyone EVER. 

You can disagree with me on this but know that you are wrong and i WILL definitely fight you over this opinion. This most definitely is a hill i will die on. Say what you want now, but go listen to Jeff Buckley's version while laying in a dark room, with candles lit, played on vinyl through a decent sound system - and you will join me on that hill fighting until your last breath... after you have dried your tears. 

As a BONUS this week i'm giving you possibly the best Christmas Cover Song EVER, click the link below and enjoy!

Tim Timebomb - You're A Mean One Mr Grinch

Monday Madness 002: Not Before, Not Now

 Today's rant brought to you by Tofurky, creators of a Thanksgiving food-thing that makes neither vegans nor carnivores happy. It's Thanksgiving, everyone should be miserable and we can help with that. 

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Election 2020 was destined to be just as much of a historic event as everything else this year. Whether you choose to accept reality or are a supporter of fascist regimes, everyone seems to have an opinion on what 'Merica needs to move forward from all of this. The thing about opinions is, they are like assholes: most of them STINK and i don't want to hear anything from yours. 

Long before red MAGA hats where a thing, i had problems with racists, i had problems with sexists, and i had problems with bullies. i cannot remember a time when i have NOT been willing to get confrontational with these faulty and morally reprehensible ways of thinking and behaving. Now that this election is over, there is no way in hell i am suddenly going to start cutting these shit gibbons some slack. They will get no sympathy for me because their boy lost. The beliefs they subscribe to should have gone extinct long ago and i will continue to be more than happy to inform them of exactly that!

If you voted for Comrade Pussy Grabber, YOU are the problem. You cannot support a racist, support a sexist, and support a bully while claiming to be none of these things. You are what you do, not what you say. By taking actions to support these ideals, you are a part of their propagation and directly responsible for their existence in our current society. There were Germans who claim they supported Hitler's economic ideals, but not his genocide - you know what we call those people? Nazis. There were Germans who supported Hitler's nationalism but claim not to support the murdering of 'undesirables' - you know what we call them? Nazis. No room for philosophical acrobatics here to make you feel better when falling asleep at night. 

If you are racist, sexist, fascist, a bootlicker, or a bully you deserve no consolation prize, no pardons, no 'safe space' to have your opinion. You will get no respect from me and i will not let up my pressure on you. Not before an election and sure as fuck not after. 

Monday Madness 001: Frog Lady's Eggs

 This week's rant brought to you by the Dodge Hemi - when you feel the need to celebrate cutting edge 1903 piston technology in 2020.

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Starting a new chapter in the 1 Punk Monk blog, to better serve your quarantine needs i will be providing you with a weekly rant. Every Monday you can check in on the shittiest day of the week during the shittiest year (2020) to be entertained and aim that frustration towards something that truly deserves it. Oh sweet cathartic release. It only seems right that the first instalment be in defense of our own personal savior this horrific year: Baby Yoda! 

A small but disproportionately vocal group (pretty on brand for America 2020) has been losing their shit over Baby Yoda (The Child) eating the eggs of Frog Lady (S2, E2 of The Mandalorian). Hardly an internet story regarding the episode is safe from either the mention of, or filled comment thread regarding, B.Y.'s choice of dining. The incremental infiltration of Karens (and Kevins) into the Star Wars fan base since Disney's buyout has been a painful rise of the Empire and is in need of our Rebel Scum's retaliation.  

To those complaining about Baby Yoda swallowing slimy future frog-people whole, i lead with the question: what the fuck did you eat for breakfast? What food do you celebrate Birthdays with? As the holidays approach, which type of nog will you be drinking on Life Day? i'm betting there's a lot of "EGG" in your ingredient listings cake-boy! In trying to understand the width of the thought divergence you maintain, my follow up question is: if instead of chickens being kept far from your site as their beaks are burnt off, the male chicks are ground up alive (deemed useless), they are overcrowded in "factory" conditions and the whole process ending with their murder before they've left chicken "childhood" - if instead the chickens carried their eggs around in backpacks out in public, THEN would you stop eating eggs? i envision many of these folks being the same people who call for the ending of the practice of dogs as a food source in parts of Asia, all because the deluded individual has bonded with the thoroughly inbred, developmentally stunted relative of wolves whom they've enslaved in their home to have as an unconditional friend (which is actually the Stockholm Syndrome all pets experience).

Flying faster than the Millennium Falcon during the Kessle Run passed the acknowledgement that THIS IS ALL MADE UP ANYWAY -that little fucker Baby Yoda has been eating frogs alive, bone soup, and who knows what the hell else. None of that has bothered you, but NOW, when he's teased with that glowing jar, left sitting like a tiny drunk at the bar just before last call eying those pickled eggs (why the fuck do so many bars have pickled eggs... maybe a topic for another rant), suddenly you are outraged by his flavor pallet? Maybe frog people eat Baby Yoda eggs too and this is just the circle of life. Maybe Baby Yoda is training for a big fight against the outer rim's version of Apollo Creed and needs the extra raw eggs in his workout, otherwise Mickey will start yelling at him (either the mouse or the trainer version of Mickey works here... lady's choice). Or maybe, some animals just eat fucked up stuff. When was the last time you stopped your cat from eating a frog? Those little fur balls are responsible for neighborhood level bird genocide. 

If i haven't lost you already, here's where it happens because now is where i get political... it's 2020 and how can i not. For the last 4 years democrats have been quick to point out how ignorant and heartless the members of the Cult of Comrade Pussy Grabber are (which they are) but i can render nearly any one of them into a nearly equal state of consciousness with the uttering of 3 simple words: I AM VEGAN. The stupid shit that ejaculates from their food holes will be as intellectually challenged as anything you've heard during the Daily Show's covering of Trump rallies (but bacon tastes good). 

So this vegan laughed their ass off every time that puppet ate a CGI egg in absolute defiance of Papa Mando! Maybe if more of those who have been commenting in S2 E2 threads had been eaten by future Jedis while still in fetal form the internet, our country, and the species would be operating at a higher level.