Eden, No, Just Chewing

i am regularly amazed by historians searching for the Garden of Eden. The task alone seems to defy the science. Historians run into trouble because they only have the lies of their history teachers to go by. One would be hard pressed to find a discipline that is as caught up in it's own dogma as history in general (or what they try to pass off as history).



In order for a story to be passed down by word of mouth successfully it must be vivid, visual, and use simple symbols that stay with you, allowing you to remember it and pass it on. This is the case in the stories of The Bible. Strong images were necessary to ensure the stories would survive, not even including how many times it has been translated and how many times translations have been translated. To get the information across, to get your ideas and ideals across you must create stories that are moving and memorable. Early Christians excelled at this, which is how their story and ideals have stood up as long as they have.

The problem is when small minded people fail to understand the point and take things at face value, missing the intent and point of the story. Forget 'What Would Jesus Do' how about 'What Would Jesus Think' about some of these interpretations, but that's a different conversation all together. i can't think that Jesus, Buddha, and many of the other spiritual leaders who have graced this planet would appreciate the things that have been done in their name.

But back to Eden. This clearly is my interpretation based on science, facts, and my enjoyment surrounding the mechanics of good storytelling. i feel the need to state this transparent fact because so much surrounding this has been misconstrued in so many instances.

The Apple in Genesis represents farming, that horrible knowledge that changed our existence forever. That knowledge that we can never turn back on because we have already started down that path. That path that has caused most of our suffering and will ultimately cause our demise.

Look at the time that Genesis takes place. Scientists and theologians have argued about the Bible's age of the Earth vs science's calculations for quite some time (pun somewhat intended). The two have also been arguing for almost as long about where human life began. The problem (or lack there of) is that they are both right. They are just answering different questions without knowing it.

Human life began in Africa. The Earth formed approximately 4.6 billion years ago. The dates surrounding Adam and Eve are not representing the dawn of man, they are about the dawn of civilization, which is a very different thing. Civilization started very close to the time theologians place on Genesis. Civilization also started in what is now the Middle East, which is where theologians have always contended Genesis takes place.

Man once lived purely off the land, off of what God provided. Their population was kept in check as such so they always had enough. Prior to the Apple, Adam and Eve didn't worry about reproduction for just those reasons. It just wasn't a worry, not that they didn't partake.

And then what happened: the Apple. Man's first harvest. It's been argued that Eve picking the Apple was the church's way of vilifying women but looking at historical story telling and keeping in mind the Apple as farming, it makes perfect sense because women have always been the symbol of fertility. They are, after all, the one's who are capable of giving birth to new life. Who else should represent that newly discovered fertility than the representative female. Look how quick Adam jumped on board, he was in on it the whole time, he just woke up late and she beat him to the harvest.

Why all this about farming, etc? The middle east used to be a lush, heavily vegetated area. A Garden of Eden even. It was, at least until man started to farm. Areas were cleared to grow food. A more consistent supply of select foods meant that the population was able to grow beyond it's previously limited amounts in that area. More mouths just lead to the need for more food. That leads to more land cleared and more water needed. Adam and Eve (representing early man) suddenly became aware of their reproduction after picking that Apple. Population size was something they became aware of as it determined how much they needed to farm.

The mystery was gone. Farming is taking seeds and creating 'life'. The life that you choose to create. Farming is 'playing God' so in farming man learned the secrets of God. That is the promised knowledge presented by the serpent in that forbidden fruit. That is Original Sin: farming. Once done, there is no turning back, our population instantly became fully dependent on it and still is to this day.

Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of Eden. This banishment took a little while but no one wants to see a 12 hour movie and no one back then was going to remember a long, drawn out tale of the birth of civilization or 'modern man'.

As Adam and Eve became aware of the effects of their farming and it's relationship to their reproductive choices the cycle began. More people means more farming, means more water, means more food, means more people and on and on and on. They lost their innocence and now had to work constantly for the population to survive. By deciding to farm they quickly were forced into a life of labor and toil. That is the suffering that all man is now born into because of their decision, because of that original sin.

As can be expected that beautifully lush area in a few generations became unable to provide for the ever growing population. The vegetation was cleared for farmland and eventually the complex water system was disrupted beyond repair and the region became the dessert wasteland it is today. The people were forced to become nomadic and many of these traveling tribes were forced out to search for new lands to sustain themselves.

Those groups who remained there are still fighting to this day over the limited water left there, which is ever decreasing. All the suffering of our work lives, all the wars, as a direct result of that Original Sin. All that area that was once lush and is no more, because of man.

So to those searching to find the Garden of Eden i sadly laugh. It was once right where you think it is, but it is there no longer. Man destroyed it. You could easily have learned such if you asked the proper scientist, or even did some simple science research. Instead they listen to the tired old lies of historians and continue to look behind them instead of where they are going, or where they are now. If they just stopped and turned to look forward they could join the scientists in teaching that our planet is the Garden of Eden and we are doing to the entire Earth what Adam, Eve, and early civilization did to Eden.

The message is that we are born into original sin but don't have to die with it, or by it. The Bible and science have much in common, much more than most are willing to realize, especially in that although people claim to be listening they, in fact, are not. The message is being lost.

Tough Guy

i was called up from the reserves to play soccer tonight. i was taking a break because although i do enjoy soccer so, i was growing quite tired of unnecessary bruises and injuries caused not by soccer itself but by frustrated men who clearly either have small dicks or are not getting enough sex. Just plain stupid stuff that i have no room in my life for.

So as i was suiting up waiting for our game tonight (this time in a co-ed league which is significantly less violent than my usual men's league games) i saw a fight. Absolutely ridiculous. One guy tried to fight another guy who clearly wanted nothing to do with it. This didn't stop meathead #1 from swinging away anyway. When another player on the 'getting hit' guy's team came over to break it up, meathead #1 grabbed him and slammed him down onto the metal team benches.

The 'so dumb he's drooling on himself' manager/ref of the facility was so busy looking for teenage girls to flirt with that he did nothing to stop the fight or cool the situation afterwards. Jack-offs make it very difficult to enjoy sports of any kind.

Now that Bob Barker has retired i am going to create my own closing slogan for the imaginary game show in my mind: "Help control sport's related violence, have your overly aggressive male Neutered." Maybe it will catch on.

i Lost My Train Of Thought

Yup, i completely lost my train of thought (the whole train, caboose and all) today after witnessing what i believe Revelations listed as one of the signs of an imminent end of times. Having to make a quick trip to the mall to get a gag gift the likes of which are only available at Spensors i happened to pass by the new American Classic.

i passed by The Country Buffet at dinner time. There was a line of obese people all the way out the door and to the curb. i don't know what else to say. i even forgot that i was driving for a moment.

W.W.I.D.

I am temporarily changing 'What Would Ian Do' to 'What WILL Ian Do?' Once upon a time there where no skate-shoe companies (or skate-clothing companies for that matter) so you skated in all-stars, airs, or whatever you had. Then skateboarders started their own companies and started making their own shoes: for skater by skaters. Major companies come in whenever skateboarding is doing well commercially and them quickly run away when it hits it's cyclical low periods.


i am also a soccer fan. Yes, i seem to be drawn to things that people hate in America, like environmentalism. A few years ago Nike decided they wanted in on the 'world's favorite sport' so they set their sites on soccer. Since then i have seen them produce incredibly shitty boots, start a trend of increasingly uglier and uglier uniforms, and have witnessed some of my favorite teams switching over to the big money of Nike and leaving their previous long term relationships with companies that started out as soccer companies (why Man. U. why?).


Nike now, however, have taken things to such an incredibly unacceptable level that words and emotions just get bottlenecked up in any attempts to escape by mind. A condition has been created that goes beyond my mear boycotting of product due to their starting of the child enslavement in overseas shoe production which now has become an industry norm.


Nike has taken the iconic picture of Ian Mckaye's brother taken by Susie Horgan featured on several Minor Threat albums (including the complete discography) and turned it into a campaign to promote their attempt to become a player in the skate-shoe market.

Nike bows to no one... or maybe they do. Appearing to quickly realize the kind of dedication to ideals that this icon and band represent Nike has already issued a public apology and immediate removal of this campaign before Minor Threat, Ian, or Discord (the label) had time to formally react to said campaign.

Ian McKaye (vocals for Minor Threat) has publicly commented on his disgust over the campaign and Discord has announced that the band will meet to discuss actions, if any, to be taken. i wait with baited breath.

Knee-jerk reaction, of course, is to sue over use without permission. Once you have ejaculated that thought out, however, you are able to think about what that band means and represents. The integrity. The moral fortitude. The thoughtfulness. What Will Ian (and Minor Threat) Do?

Suing would almost seem to go against all that they stand for. So many of our country's ails and corporate rapings are in some way a result of the uncontrolled exploitation of the ability to sue in our legal system. In fact, just the other day i heard of a citizen of my town's intent to sue the local government because someone was swearing in the street. i hardly believe that this same avenue will be the type of action that Minor Threat will take.

So what now then? Obviously Nike is benefiting from any publicity is good publicity (and Minor Threat may to some extent as well) and money is really not much of a penalty for Nike. This is a company after all who can charge over one hundred dollars for sneaker made for less than ten dollars overseas. A lawsuit will mean little to this corporate giant. A lawsuit could greatly effect the small, do it yourself Discord record label.

The Campaign has stopped. Is this enough then? Is Nike knowing and admitting they did wrong enough of a victory?

Minor Threat fans buying Nike products is about as likely as Ireland changing it's adult beverage of choice from Guinness to Budweiser. So what was their motivation then? Is someone in Nike's ad department a Minor Threat fan? If so they need to have their music collection taken away. As with the sweat shop controversy Nike is claiming degrees of removal from the situation by stating how they contract the work out. If i were to 'contract the work out' to have my spouse killed i'm pretty sure i'd still go to jail (don't worry hun).

What is the right thing to do? Where is the moral high ground here? Is there a moral high ground anymore or are we all just being dragged down into the quicksand? What Will Ian Do?

Vitamins & Mineals... Delicious

Well, survey number II was a tie so i'm creating a new mineral: Pan-Cacid. It's being submitted to the FDA as we speak. It is carcinogenic and may cause anal bleeding but it wouldn't be the first time they passed such a product. The slogan will be "Pan-Cacid, it's Pan-tastic".

Sorry for the lateness of this new survey (to the right) but i was enjoying the company of guests for the last few days. Real life first, after all.

Anyway, i do enjoy a good swear every now and again so this week's survey is: What's your favorite swear? i know what mine is.