One of my favorite parts of reading skateboarder magazine is the page where they feature a skater and rundown their injuries. i alas will never be featured in the pages of skateboarder magazine but figured it would be a good exercise anyway.
Thanks to computers my personal medical history is most likely, fairly easily perused by medical staff. If my files since birth were ever accumulated in paper form, at one place, i suppose it would take up it's own draw of a filing cabinet. i don't have that kind of time and this site doesn't have that kind of memory so i will just give some highlights in skate anatomy fashion. i suggest everyone give this a whirl, either in comments below, on your own site, or on the back of a napkin at some bar while trying to impress a girl.
RIGHT SIDE
4-arm: You know, my right side is one of the less beat sides of me. Possibly because of being right handed? Not sure. i broke my right forearm in grade school. Running towards the door to descend from the schoolyard into the catacombs of the building used as the cafeteria, another kid running behind pushed me and i fell mid-arm directly on the corner of the lone step leading to the door. A full speed running dive to concrete step will get the job done when it comes to breaking bones. i played if off as nothing until later that day when my mum grabbed my arm (because i apparently did something to piss her off) and i yelled in agony.
Nailed: One summer day while rail-sliding a wooden box my dad kept sand in to de-ice the driveway in the winter, the box collapsed under my skateboard and i landed with my little finger directly on one of the nails now sticking out of the broken box's side. It was the first time i realized that skinny people do still have fat, because white fatty tissue was now hanging out of a hole in my pinky finger.
Ballerina Toe: i just recently learned that this was the street name given to this condition. i have injured this toe so many times over the years that it has been cracking on demand (way before movies on demand) for some time now. A few months ago while playing defense in soccer (not playing goalie because of injury to be described later) i was slide tackled cleats-up. My big toe took most of the force and now it cracks every time i bend it.
CENTER
Brain Damage: Back to the destructive Catholic School years. i'm not sure who's brilliant idea it was but the entire property surrounding my elementary school was cover in asphalt. One big parking lot. This resulted in many young males getting frequent concussions. i'm going straight to heaven because if i get to purgatory they will announce "time served" for all those torturous hours spent sitting in the secretary's office waiting for my mum to find someone to give her a ride, to pick me up, to bring me to the doctor's because my skull bounced off the pavement... again. Maybe this is why i have a hard time going to sleep, all those time's i was told as a child not to fall asleep after hitting my head.
Deviated Septum: Not sure what happened while i was in the womb but i had a deviated septum until it was fixed at age 22. It's amazing to finally be able to smell and breath through your nose after 22 years. i will never forget the first time i could smell the ocean before i could even see it. This played a significant part in me now living within a 5 minute drive of the ocean. i try never to go more than a week without being able to smell that salty air. For the procedure i opted not to have the cosmetic part done to straighten my nose. Every few years someone asks if i ever broke my nose because it's crooked... i tell them only to get it fixed.
My Toof: New parents are told to never leave their children alone in bathtubs because of me. Not even old enough for kindergarten i was left to bath in privacy. Attempting to stand in the tub i slipped, fell, and slammed my mouth into the tub faucet. After an extensive search for the tooth that once filled the new gap in the front of my mouth i was brought to the emergency room assuming the tooth went down the drain. This was my first in a now long resume of x-ray experience. The machine looked just like the opening scene of the Hulk TV series, i though i was going to get some super powers. All i did end up with was the knowledge that the tooth was knocked up into my jaw. Mystery solved. A few weeks later the adult tooth pushed it back down but it was now a light shade of gray due to the fact that it was deemed "dead". Later in life it refused to fall out like normal baby teeth do so i had to have it pulled, fortunately WITH Novocaine, unlike two of my other adult teeth (but that's another story).
The Accordion: Although i was never a big guy, my speed on skates always kept me a competitive hockey player. While attacking their zone the puck was cleared passed my fellow defenseman. He unfortunately got a little of it, not enough to slow it down but enough for it to not be icing. The opposing team's center and i went barreling down ice to beat the other to the puck. Around my blue line i started to show i was faster and began to pull ahead. He then showed that he was bigger and tripped me, fell himself, and decided to ride me like a toboggan, head first, full speed, into the boards. This is the most pain i have ever experienced. After needing help to get my pads off i headed to an uncomfortable photo session of a double digit x-ray shoot. i was incredibly fortunate to have had no severe damage to my spinal cord. Much like my big toe, my neck cracks whenever i rotate it around and i recently learned that i am starting to show signs of arthritis in my lower back (most likely caused by a decrease in flexibility i have there).
LEFT SIDE
Riblets: There's nothing like a rib injury to let you know how everything you do: walking, lifting your arms, right down to breathing, pulls on your chest. i have now cracked ribs on at least two occasions and there is nothing you can do to treat it. The first time was skateboarding as a kid. There is a walking/bike path connecting my neighborhood to a friend of mine's. There is curb, about a foot tall, to get up to the path. i had gotten quite good at being able to ollie over it without breaking pace. A small pebble had it in for me on this fine day. Board stopped, i kept going. i landed rib to granite curb. A couple years ago i was playing indoor soccer and went up to head in a cross. The Neanderthal goalie ignored the ball and went straight for me. i'm not sure if it happened when he hit me or when i hit the ground but i cracked at least three ribs.
Solo-Saw: Before my sister was big enough to play with i had to entertain myself on those long days spent at our grandparents. Completely unsupervised much of the time i snuck into one of the neighbor's yards and tried my hand at see-sawing. The up part went pretty much as planned, i got quite high. The down part came a bit faster than anticipated with no one on the other end. i came down quick and put my hand out to break my fall when hitting the concrete. My father said i was fine and had me lifting heavy objects to prove to my mum that i was ok. After over a week of this i finally was taken to the hospital. Both bones in my wrist were broken. It took a long time to heal. Much like my back, my wrist has been getting more and more sensitive the older i get.
Lady Finger: i am starting to realize that i have probably hurt myself more times before kindergarten than i have ever since. Even when supervised i still found ways to injure myself. i got the tip of my index finger nearly cut off in the mechanism of a reclining chair. Not only do i have the stitches scar but the repair has made the tip of that finger disproportionately skinnier than my other fingers and it comes up to such a petite curve that it more closely resembles a female finger, especially if the nail has even the slightest of length.
Damn Pinkies: Those little fingers just always seem to be the ones that get themselves in trouble. Playing goal in indoor soccer an opposing player decided to take a shot, as hard as possible, from point black range, directly at me. Keep in mind that it is incredibly difficult to cover the entire span of the goal in indoor soccer as a goalie due to it's size in proportion to the field dimension. Forget about all that open area, he shot right at me. i saved it, injuring all of the fingers on my left hand (and that temperamental wrist) but i expected that from such a close shot. As i then went to cradled to ball i realized that something was wrong, my pinky wasn't bending. Fearfully pulling my glove off, i saw my pinky from the first knuckle up dislocated and behind the first section of the finger. Fortunately we had a trainer playing on our team. Unfortunately after two attempts he determined that this required a hospital visit to fix. Six months later i am still going through PT and still can't make a fist. Maybe this is karma helping to keep me from getting into fights.
Holy shit, this is just the tip of the iceberg... i could write a book about my injuries... a book no one would want to read... not even me (or my Dr).
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