Retire

No, i have neither the age nor the money to retire. My generation may never get to retire the way things are going. This, however, is about the retirement party. Another obligation to add to the list of life's uncomfortable obligations.

What do you do for a workplace retirement party when you don't respect the person who's retiring? Sure AT the party you can feign excitement, they don't have to know it's because you're glad they're leaving, but what do you do as the celebration approaches?

Inevitably people come around asking for money for a group gift. What can i say, i don't think i need to explain to anyone how money's tight these days. Spending it on someone you don't particularly care for is quite hard to justify to your checkbook. Not contributing, however, is far harder to explain to the person collecting (quite possibly someone you DO like at work). Let's face it, workplaces are highly judgemental environments and also somewhere you don't want to burn too many bridges. What's enough to make you look like you've contributed but not so much that you can sleep that night?

The money is just the first speed bump in your passage through the retirement party. Inevitably you end up with a group card on your desk. i have a hard time writing stuff in cards for people i genuinely care about, what on earth am i supposed to write on this thing? i could do what i did in junior high when i had to sign yearbooks for people i didn't know well: write exactly what someone else wrote. This is more transparent on a card though. "Enjoy your retirement" is usually short but safe. Hey, you'll probably never see them again anyway.

After dodging several occasions where people reminisce what it's been like working with so and so the grand finally is making it through the party it's self. At this point in your life you should have survived through enough distant relatives' weddings and or funerals that you can 'put on the act' for some length of time. Play along, shake enough hands, and throw out a few well wishes and you should get by fine.

Look at this all as practice, because if you work somewhere with a large enough staff, chances are you will have at least one of these a year. Especially as the baby-boomers come of age. Prepare accordingly.