Shit's Bananas

Whole Foods grocery shopping turns me into an angry asshole. The fact that i was listening to 'Rancid' on my iPod while shopping didn't help matters.

i was very optimistic, excited even when word came that Whole Foods was going to be opening a store in my city. Being an environmentalist and vegan this seemed like a great prospective place to do my food shopping. None of their foods have artificial ingredients, 90% of their employees are full time workers with benefits, and they are very environmentally minded when making decisions from energy purchasing to packaging.

Being a realist i acknowledge and expected there to be large crowds for the first month or two. New things always attract people. i was, however, rather naive about the type of clientele which would be frequenting this new retailer of edibles. i was prepared to be excited by the crunchies, tolerant of the dirty hippies, encouraged by the hipsters, and even patient with the crazy new-agers. i enjoy occasionally rubbing elbows with different counter-cultures, even those i myself don't subscribe to. There's a certain unity in knowing we all inhabit the fringes of society, a reassuring nod if you will, that can make you feel not quite so alone in your misfit ways.

There was one group of shoppers, however, that i hadn't expected at all: self-involved consumers searching for the next 'IT' place to be seen shopping. They don't give a shit about the environment. They could care less if ingredients (in-greedy-ants) are artificial like they are. They don't even realize that there are people around them trying to actually achieve something efficiently so we can get back to our lives.

Noooooo, these wastes of oxygen want to 'hang out' so tomorrow around the water cooler they can say "Hey, have you been to the new grocery store Whole Foods yet?" They stand in pairs staring at their own reflections in the glass doors of the bakery as four of us other customers are forced to wait for our chance to grab what we already know we want. They park their carriages just so, in order to get the most isle blockage possible. People who grocery shop while talking on their cell phones need to be clubbed like baby seals. The rest of us don't give a fuck what time you'll be home, nor do we care how your day went as you yell at volume 10 to be heard over the ambient sounds of the grocery store.

15 items or less means 15 items or less for EVERYONE. You are not special (well, special ed maybe). For those of you who can't count 15 is two hands and one foot, assuming you have all your original digits. They should paint two hands and one foot on every 15 item or less sign for these dumb-asses. Oh, and 15 items means 15 ITEMS, not 15 kinds of items. If you have thirty cans of cat food that does not count as one item.

i know, i know, some of you might say: well at least they are supporting a good company for whatever reason. That's not good enough for me. i don't want everyone to start skateboarding. i don't want everyone to start listening to punk rock and jazz. i don't want everyone to shave their head (although way to go Britney). i want some things to be left for those of us who know better. Things left for those of us who APPRECIATE them. When you have good reasons for doing something and you put your heart and soul into it, it is very belittling to have yahoos just jump in and start doing them. The sincerity gets lost. The meaning gets lost.

So if you see some guy with a shaved head and iPod on bombing efficiently down the isles, get the fuck out of his way... or pay the consequences.