ER Survival

After another tour in the Emergency Room a week or two ago i have decided to use my experiential knowledge to help others who may find themselves taking someone (or themselves) to the ER. i have devised an ER Survival Kit to pack up in order to increase your chances of making it through an Emergency Room experience.

Now, contrary to popular belief there is no point in rushing to get to the ER. You will be waiting in the lobby for quite some time anyway so you might as well take a couple of minutes to pack yourself up the supplies needed for your ER experience. Taking the 2 minutes or less necessary to get these supplies together and then driving the 'to be patient' to the hospital is still a fraction of the time it would take to get an ambulance to your local and then travel back to the hospital (and a hell of a lot cheaper).

Once you have temporarily settled the patient grab a backpack. In that pack you will gather a few categories of supplies, the first being clothing. Some for you, some for the 2B-Patient.

First for the 2B-Patient. They will most likely end up in a johnny: strange table-clothe type thing with arm holes and ties in the back. Anything to make this outfit less embarrassing and more comfortable for 2B-Patient is the key here. If they are still cognisant get some input from them. Recommendations include clean/appropriate underwear (anything dirty, holey, or meant to turn you on is what you are trying to avoid here). Next, comfortable/warm socks. They may be walking around in these a bit so the more between their feet and the hospital floor the better. If they get too warm they can always take them off but most likely they'll be chilly. Lastly, some kind of drawstring type pants. i usually don't recommend such pants in public but this isn't public and all the doctors and nurses are wearing pajamas anyway. Sometimes, depending of the reason for going to the ER, they allow you to wear such pants with the johnny. This prevents the 'free show' experience for other patients and helps to maintain some sense of dignity.

Clothing for you: prepare for anything. One minute it's hot in there, the next it's freezing. Dress/bring layers no matter the season. i recommend a hoodie. It's easily put on or taken off and can double as a small blanket to drape over yourself as you try to close your eyes for a moment while sitting in a hard plastic chair around hour twelve. A hat isn't a bad idea either to help hide the bags under your eyes as you find yourself in the wee hours of the next morning.

Supply category 2: Food/snacks. This is of the utmost importance if you value you and 2B-Patient's life. The food is not for the patient (hospital would not approve) this is for you. You are going to be in the ER for a LONG TIME. Without sustenance you will not make it, for this is an energy draining pit. You cannot make use of the hospital's vending machines or cafeteria because while you are gathering nuts, berries, and potato chips the medical staff will either move the patient on you or give then some kind of medication they are not supposed to have. If your 2B-Patient is allergic to penicillin this is the time when they will give said patient penicillin. You have got to be ON DUTY for the entire duration of the ER stay for the sake of the patient so you need energy and you need to bring that source of energy yourself. High protein or high sugar are my recommendations. Pistachios, Swedish Fish (or anything gummy), Wheat Thins even. You need things with quick intestinal turn-overs and they need to be easily stored at any temperature. Water is a MUST as well. Hospitals dry you out like a desert, minus the sun and sand and camels. Lots o' water.

Supply category 3: Entertainment. You are going to need to keep yourself entertained to ward off insanity and mental break downs. Observing all the other fucked up shit going on around you will only last 3-4 hours before it starts to depress you. At that point you need something else otherwise you end up yelling and punching troglodytes as all patience has been cashed in.

First and foremost you need to pack your iPod (or music player of choice). You need something to block out the all too personal discussions that are happening on the other side of the curtains separating you from the 4 other ER inhabitants in the same room as you. This also helps to drown out the beeping, snoring, moaning, and other depressing noises that other patients are making.

Next comes literature. You will want two distinctly different kinds. One should be a book that you are into. Books have lots of pages and you can sit and crank away at one without running out of material for several hours. They also provide an escape as you can fade away into the context of the book. The second should be a mindless magazine. You will be in the ER for such a long period of time that eventually your brain will cease to function. You no longer are capable of following even the simplest of plots. At this point (with your headphones still on of course) you will need to shift to the magazine with pretty, glossy pictures and short stretches of reading. You will be so out of it you can read the same article 5 minutes later and it seems new again.

Supply category 4: Cell Phone. At some point you will have to start making some phone calls (going to the proper cell phone approved area of the hospital, of course). You will need to call relatives/loved ones to inform them of the unfortunate situation and update them on the medical status of the patient. Also, as time goes on and on and on you will inevitably realize that you are not going to get any sleep tonight and need to call in to work for both yourself and aforementioned patient.

Supply category 5: Pen & Paper (not to be confused with Penn & Teller). There are several reasons why these will be incredibly useful. For starters you will need to write down all the fucked up shit that you witness. Page after page of material for essays, prose, and blogs alike. You will also need to start writing down the medical advice that is being tossed at you as every few hours a new doctor is on duty and tells you something different. You should also write down the names of the various nurses attending to you. Frequently you will get a follow up survey and the good one deserve praise. Even more important is that you correctly spell the names of the fucked up nurses who want to put a new IV in 2B-Patient because they failed to realize that the previous nurse put a stopper on the IV to keep blood from squirting out. Or, so you can pass on the name of the nurse who says you're full of shit and that the patients arm is not swollen only to have a doctor who has never met you before come in hours later, interrupting his salutation to say 'holy mackerel, you arm is really swollen'.

Now, this list has not been medical board certified but it has been patient bored certified. Take the time to prepare for your ER visits because you are going to be there for awhile. You may also want to pack some KY Jelly for when the bill comes. It hurts a lot less that way.

This public service message has been brought to you by 1punkmonk.