Now i should be overjoyed that i live in a place that massive amounts of people want to visit on a regular basis (in the summer at least). That should be reaffirming... "wow, i am fortunate enough to live somewhere that thousands are willing to flock to for their summer vacations". Hanging out around my house that really works. As soon as i try to go somewhere, however, the curmudgeon in me gets turned to 11 as minutes of my life are stolen from me as i sit in traffic. Minutes of Murder we'll call them because that is time i cannot spend living my life.
If i am stopped on the highway i eventually expect to see a car on fire, a car totaled, or a flying saucer landing (i may even allow for a sasquash crossing). i, however, do not accept turning a perfectly good highway into a parking lot because... there's a bridge. Yes, highway traffic was brought to a stand still for miles because the vacationing masses had to go over a bridge. i forgot that in the summer the time it takes for you to get anywhere must be multiplied by the asshole factor. In case you spent that day of algebra class daydreaming about the pretty girl in front of you (or handsome guy) let me review the asshole factor, and no it is not a new fox news network program.
The asshole factor is a varying constant (approved by military intelligence) that when graphed out is a hyperbolic curve increasing exponentially with an increase in population in any given situation. Symbolized by the variable 'a' followed by two dollar signs the factor can be implemented in any equation at any time... often without warning.
Being the pragmatic, leveled headed person that i am (after running out of curses, wearing out my horn, and utterly pissing off all of the passengers in my car) i decided to spend this wasted time coming up with a solution to the asshole factor problem. i didn't even need a pencil and paper. i did all the math in my head.
The problem is that as population increases, so does the asshole factor. My solution is simple and we should see the positive effects within a single generation. Everywhere that there is a 'take a penny, leave a penny' tray there should also be a tray of free condoms.
Seeing condoms so regularly would quickly take away the seedy reputation they currently have. The easy access would help those too embarrassed to be seen buying condoms (although that means you're "gettin' some" you idiots). Lastly, it would make condoms accessible to those lacking in the funds to practice birth control.
Tangent benefits include the removal of the term "but i don't have a condom" from current frat house venacular and a decrease in sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS... but really, i'm just looking to stop wasting time in traffic.
Free condoms are a small price to pay for a better world and a better driving experience. Most of the program could be funded with bi-daily emptying of the penny trays 'cause man... i've only taken two pennies out in my whole life and i put pennies in on a daily basis.
i know Bush is going on vacation but maybe someone could forward this to him, i'm sure he'd be on board.
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